I’m a nice guy

This is a translation of a text I wrote earlier tonight in Swedish. I’m a heterosexual cis-gendered man, to give you some context.

I want to talk about something that isn’t a personal story about when I’ve broken someone else’s boundaries in a sexual situation. I’ve done that, both in specific cases and ongoing through entertaining a way of thinking and behavior that has enforced structures and errors of thought in the private sphere. It’s those mistaken thoughts and structures I  want to talk about.

One thing that I feel makes it impossible for many men to understand the concept of women’s right to their own body is a fundamental difference in the view of what sex is. I know I’ve had a deeply seated image of sex as something that women give to men as a asymmetrical one-sided transaction. Intellectually I’ve strongly held the view that sex is something you share mutually between partners, but emotionally I’ve not reached that far.

I don’t want it to be that way, but I’ve felt the exact same way as it’s most often portrayed in the public conversation: Sex is something you get. It’s something you want to have and hope to win through playing games, or maybe more common for ”nice guys” like me: Something you hope to get as a reward for being a decent human being. Like some kind of intimate feminist cookie.

It’s hard to understand the whole discussion about sexual boundaries being overstepped if you see sex as a commodity to be gained or taken and not an equal exchange of pleasure.

I have the notion that I have a very enlightened and equal view on sex. Sadly, my feelings and practical application isn’t as evolved and that hurts both myself and others close to me.

I work every day with getting better at this and I don’t want to do it alone. That’s why I want to talk about it.

Det här inlägget postades i English. Bokmärk permalänken.

3 kommentarer till I’m a nice guy

  1. Pingback: Tweets that mention I’m a nice guy | Prata om det -- Topsy.com

  2. Hanna skriver:

    Thanks for your comment. As a woman, I’ve been to so many situations where I said yes to sex because I was flattered or thoulgt it was expected or because he’s such a nice guy. Ended up not being able to go into relationships at all as I never found my own way to do it – to me its either to do it in his ways or not at all. I feel like I have really a long way to go before I’m able to establish an equal relationship. But my old way doesn’t work for me anymore, it only makes me feel shame and guilt and than it’s easier to completely avoid sex.

  3. Pingback: Swedish Feminists Debate Rape and Assange : Ms Magazine Blog


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