This is a translation of a text I wrote earlier tonight in Swedish. I’m a heterosexual cis-gendered man, to give you some context.
I want to talk about something that isn’t a personal story about when I’ve broken someone else’s boundaries in a sexual situation. I’ve done that, both in specific cases and ongoing through entertaining a way of thinking and behavior that has enforced structures and errors of thought in the private sphere. It’s those mistaken thoughts and structures I want to talk about.
One thing that I feel makes it impossible for many men to understand the concept of women’s right to their own body is a fundamental difference in the view of what sex is. I know I’ve had a deeply seated image of sex as something that women give to men as a asymmetrical one-sided transaction. Intellectually I’ve strongly held the view that sex is something you share mutually between partners, but emotionally I’ve not reached that far.
I don’t want it to be that way, but I’ve felt the exact same way as it’s most often portrayed in the public conversation: Sex is something you get. It’s something you want to have and hope to win through playing games, or maybe more common for ”nice guys” like me: Something you hope to get as a reward for being a decent human being. Like some kind of intimate feminist cookie.
It’s hard to understand the whole discussion about sexual boundaries being overstepped if you see sex as a commodity to be gained or taken and not an equal exchange of pleasure.
I have the notion that I have a very enlightened and equal view on sex. Sadly, my feelings and practical application isn’t as evolved and that hurts both myself and others close to me.
I work every day with getting better at this and I don’t want to do it alone. That’s why I want to talk about it.